Imagine seeing your eldest child lose weight with depression at the age of 12. It's hard to even answer how you would deal with it it unless your living with it day in and day out.
One Father of 3 took to Reddit's AITA (Am I The Asshole?) board after he and his wife came head to head with his brother and his wife over their treatment of their older son compared to their other two kids...
Read the post below...
"This weekend my family and my brother’s family were at our holiday cottage together, and my wife (42F) and I (40M) got in to this huge argument with my brother (45M) and SIL (45F). The argument regarded my wife and I allowing one of our children (12M) eating whatever he wants, while somewhat restricting what the other two (11M and 9F) eats.
They found this totally unacceptable and mean, despite us providing a, in my opinion, legitimate reason for why. future.
So, to provide some background to make judging possible, my wife and I have always aimed to provide our children with somewhat healthy food and eating habits. This means we mostly eat home cooked meals and that we limit sweets and “unhealthy” snacks to the weekends and in no excessive amounts.
We are in no way extreme. We eat fast food occasionally and make exceptions for sweets and “unhealthy” snacks for special occasions or if we feel like it. The children are allowed to eat whatever they are offered when visiting their friends.
The past months, our 12 year old has not been well. He started eating less and less and basically stopped eating 8 weeks ago. He was shortly after diagnosed with depression, hence his loss of appetite.
Since he basically didn’t eat, my wife and I decided that it is more important that he eats than what he eats, and that he therefore is allowed to eat whatever he wants when he wants to. Meaning that if he wants ice cream for breakfast or crisps for dinner, he can have it. If he wants pizza or hamburgers, we happily go and get it for him.
But for our other children our normal “rules” still apply, and they cannot have sweets and “unhealthy” snacks all the time or always get the food they ask for. We have explained to them why 12 year old is allowed and they are not. And they seem to understand and mostly be fine with it. But they are still children and sometimes find it unfair. Which I get, but sometimes life is unfair.
So, as stated above my brother and SIL do not think this is OK, and are convinced our younger kids will grow up hating us for this. Are they right, AITA?"
Read the full Reddit thread here
What was the general consensus?
It was quite a mixed bag on whether the poster was the asshole or not. One comment said:
"YTA
You're going to give your 9 and 11 year old eating disorders. You've basically sent them the message that if they ever have appetite issues and stop eating, they'll be rewarded by being allowed to eat pizza or burgers or whatever they want.
I get that it's a messy situation, but this isn't a healthy dynamic. Would it really be so bad to be a bit more lax on your 9 and 11 year old and give them a bit more freedom to choose their meals too?"
While on the other hand, another commented:
"NTA
Depression doesn't care if you're hungry. You will lay there and your stomach will be screaming for.food and hurting and you just wonder what the point of eating even is? You'll just be hungry again later, anyway. Why bother? Same with personal hygiene, and even getting up to pee.
Everyone saying you're the asshole and giving your kids eating disorders doesn't understand that you're worried your child is going to let his apathy towards foodkill himand that he needs to live long enough to attend therapy in order to change anything. I'm sorry for the blunt language, but I don't think people are understanding that he isn't playing some game.
He literally just doesn't care if he eats or not. My therapist and doctors ask me all the time if I'm eating and what Im eating and they don't always love my my answers but they agree with you, OP. They'd rather I eat something and show up for my appointments to work on things than not eat at all."
Our verdict...
This is such a hard one! While of course you don't want to see your child fade away before your very own eyes, it's also hard on the other children and the lengths they will presumably go to in the future to get the foods they want. Not to mention the resentment it might cuase between the siblings. However, it's noone elses business other than the parents that are dealing with it. No-one should be involving themselves within this. When parents are worried about their children they will do whatever it takes to make them feel better. And no-one has the right to judge that.
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FAQs
Food neophobia is generally regarded as the reluctance to eat, or the avoidance of, new foods. In contrast, 'picky/fussy' eaters are usually defined as children who consume an inadequate variety of foods through rejection of a substantial amount of foods that are familiar (as well as unfamiliar) to them.
Should children be allowed to eat whatever they want? ›
Choices, Within Limits
Say you're dealing with a fussy eater; it's fine to let him choose what to eat within limits. Give him healthy options to choose from, not have him dictate what mum and dad cooks. For example, during snack time, ask him if he wants yogurt or cheese.
Should you let kids choose what they eat? ›
Take charge of eating by providing consistent meals and snack times. Choose the healthy foods your child should eat. Young children don't know what is healthy for them, so given a choice, they may not choose what is best for them. Model healthy eating behaviors in front of your children.
Why does my toddler only eat what he wants? ›
It's normal for your toddler to want to eat what's familiar to them. It's normal for them to prefer certain foods over others. It's normal for some textures to be tricky. This is part of the process of them learning to eat a variety of food—and of your process teaching them to be a capable, confident eater.
What is Brumotactillophobia in children? ›
Known as brumotactillophobia, the fear of one food touching another can be an issue of control, particularly in younger children. But it can also stem from aesthetic, taste or texture proclivities. “One suggestion could be that they believe that the different ingredients could contaminate each other.
What is the meaning of Brumotactillophobia? ›
Brumotactillophobia. It's a real thing and can make meal times really difficult for some families.
What is the one plate rule? ›
As explained by Anna Shafer, the rule (or method) of the plate prescribes dividing the plate into three parts, one by 50% and two by 25% and filling them in a certain way so that most of the vegetable food (non-starchy vegetables, fruits, berries) occupies, and the remaining two quarters are foods rich in proteins and ...
Should you let your kid eat as much as they want? ›
Intuitive eating recommends parents give their young children permission to eat whatever they feel hungry for, and as much of it as they're hungry for — whether that's carrots or cookies. Parents are told to never restrict foods.
Should I let my toddler eat whenever he wants? ›
Listen to Your Child
But this doesn't mean that it's a good idea for kids to eat on-demand all day long. Those who eat all day may not learn what it is like to be hungry or full. That's why set meals and snack times are important.
What is the psychology of picky eaters? ›
When children are picky eaters, sometimes it is a response to controlling or pushy parents, or to bribery. The battle over food can then lead to resistance and defiance from the child. Ultimately, it is the child's decision as to what to eat and whether or not to eat the foods you have provided.
Of course not.
Asking your child, especially a picky eater, “What do you want to eat?” is setting your child up for frustration and staying in the cycle of picky eating. While this might seem like an easy way to make something your picky eater will like, it's also a really fast way to cause a meltdown.
Should you let your kids be picky eaters? ›
It's important not to let a child's pickiness become a source of mealtime tension. Don't cook special meals just for a picky eater, but do include something your daughter likes in every meal. Ask her to take at least two bites of what you made, but it's OK if she chooses not to eat more than that.
What is the satter method? ›
The Satter Division of Responsibility in Feeding (sDOR) encourages parents to take leadership with the what, when, and where of feeding and give children autonomy with the how much and whether of eating. sDOR applies at every stage in the child's development, from infancy through the early years through adolescence.
What is food neophobia in toddlers? ›
Young toddlers (over twelve months) begin to develop a neophobic response to food2, which means they become wary of trying new foods. This may be a survival mechanism to prevent the increasingly mobile toddler from poisoning him or herself through eating anything and everything.
What age do toddlers not want to eat? ›
Parents get very worried that their toddler isn't eating and there's something seriously wrong with them. Well, the truth is between the ages of 1 and 5 years old, it's completely normal for a toddler's appetite to slow down.
What is a food neophobia personality? ›
Food Neophobia was represented by two factors, approach and avoidance tendencies. Approach tendencies were positively related to Openness and Agreeableness. Avoidance tendencies were negatively related to Openness and Extraversion.
How do you treat neophobia in food? ›
Tips To Deal With The Food Neophobic Kids
- Take it slow:
- Don't force on them:
- Make things fun:
- You eat it and probably they will try it:
- Make it look familiar:
- Wait for the right time:
- Try in small quantities:
- Be a good role model:
Food neophobia, or the fear of trying new food, is considered as a normal stage in child development and affects between 50 and 75% of children. It generally occurs between the ages of two and six and then wears off, eventually disappearing as children grow up. However, in some cases, it can continue into adulthood.
What is an example of a neophobia? ›
For example, neophobic people might start with small exposures to new things or experiences, like ordering a new dish at their favorite restaurant. Eventually, they work their way up to more challenging sources of unfamiliarity, such as visiting a new destination.
