How to Get a Narcissist to Chase You: 12 Powerful Tips (2024)

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Co-authored byLiana Georgoulis, PsyDand Sophie Burkholder, BA

Last Updated: July 5, 2024Fact Checked

Flatter them.

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1. Compliments can win anybody over, especially people with large egos. Start your conversations with a few flattering comments—tell them how impressed you are by their professional achievements, how nice their outfit is, or how you admire the way they work the room (anything about their status or success is a goldmine). When you give them the validation that they crave, they’ll crave you right back.^[2]

   • Keep your compliments genuine. While some individuals with narcissistic qualities may be successful people, buttering them up too much may make them lean into their more selfish and harmful traits.
   • Compliment them a lot at the beginning of your flirtation and then pull back. Giving someone lots of validation and then easing off may make them work harder to grab your attention (and praise).
   • However, keep in mind that this strategy may come off as manipulative—while it may work in some cases to get a self-absorbed person to chase you, it’s not the best foundation for a healthy, long-term relationship.

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Be an active listener.

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1. Make them feel like they’re the center of attention when they’re talking. They want to throw ideas around and use people as a sounding board to reaffirm their thoughts and feelings. Nod in agreement, make eye contact, and paraphrase what they say occasionally to show you’re truly listening to them. They’ll want to keep talking at you again and again and again.^[3]

   • Summarize what you heard and validate or acknowledge it in some way.^[4]
   • Try not to interrupt or cut them off—people with narcissistic qualities often like to have control in a conversation. If you want to contribute, wait for a natural pause or segue to jump in.
   • If you don’t agree with what they’re saying, just keep smiling and nodding. If they say something that really bothers you, you can take time to consider whether it’s worth confronting them at a later date.

Flaunt your confidence.

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1. Let your self-esteem shine without worrying about what they think. If this person shows narcissistic behaviors like acting superior to others or demanding frequent praise, they are likely very insecure deep down and envious of confident people. They may want your confidence and emotional intelligence but do not know how to get them, so they’ll work extra hard to get close to you.^[5]

   • People with narcissistic traits tend to be obsessed with truly confident people and will chase them relentlessly.
   • Exude confidence by making eye contact, using tall and open posture, and highlighting your close and meaningful relationships with friends and family.

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Show off your unique skills.

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1. Demonstrate any talents you have that this other person doesn’t. Consider any gaps that the person you’re trying to entice has in their skillset—maybe they’re not athletic, have a small social circle, or they’re a terrible cook. Tell them about your accomplishments in these areas—your time as a college footballer, your huge social circle, or the amazing soufflé you just made—to make them want you.^[6]

   • This doesn’t work as well when you highlight accomplishments in an area they feel confident in. They’ll see you as competition to take down rather than an impressive person to bring into their circle.

Dress to fit their public image.

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1. They probably care a lot about looking good. Typically, this personality type is highly interested in their public image and wants a partner that makes them look good. Sometimes, this means being the classic “eye candy” on their arm to make onlookers jealous. Other times, it means dressing or looking like a successful business person or trendy entrepreneur—whatever fits this person’s constructed image of themselves. Dress to fit their fantasy and they’ll be all over you.^[7]

   • They may view the way you look as transactional. If your look fits in with their self-image, they’ll consider you a valuable addition to their life.
   • Even if they’re attracted to your looks, they may still make negative comments about your appearance to lower your self-esteem. These comments may stem from their own insecurities, so don’t buy into their narrative!

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Take an interest in their interests.

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1. Ask questions about their favorite topics and things they enjoy. Butter them up and make them feel like they’re giving a TED Talk (which they would love to do). Act super interested in what they’re saying—as long as you’re their captivated audience, they’ll want to be around you.^[8]

   • To make the conversation less one-sided, try to talk with them about a topic you also like. They can easily talk for hours when they’re fired up about something.
   • Some people get bored easily when they’re not interested in the conversation topic. Be flexible and willing to pivot subjects to keep them engaged.

Ask for their advice.

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1. Seeking their guidance may grab their attention and endear you to them. They may enjoy giving advice because it makes them feel important and knowledgeable. They’ll feel confident enough to give advice on any topic, even if they know nothing about it.^[9]

   • Ask about low-stakes things like “Which brand of sparkling water should I bring to the picnic?” or “What’s the best park in the city to take my dog to?” Then, if you don’t take their advice, it won’t be such a big deal.
   • They may take it personally if you don’t follow their advice due to a desire to be seen as a savior. Try asking them about an issue you’re having where they might actually be knowledgeable.

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Focus your attention on other people.

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1. Give some subtle, flirty attention to another person. Someone who enjoys being the center of your attention will likely get jealous very easily. They may work harder to impress you once they see that they’re not the only person you’re interested in.

   • This tactic could backfire if you flirt too hard with the other person. Either person involved may see through your plan if you lay it on too thick.
   • While intentionally making someone jealous may seem fun and harmless, consider whether that’s truly how you want to get their attention.
   • It may be better to invest in other relationships and go on dates with new people. While this could still make your person jealous, it could also give you more perspective on the situation and an opportunity to explore other romantic options.

Play hard to get.

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1. Make yourself less available. Someone who displays narcissistic personality traits may shower you with affection when they have to work for you. It’s called “love bombing,” and it’s how some people make potential partners feel like they’re in a loving relationship before they show their true colors. They’ll send you long and romantic messages, buy you gifts, and do anything they can to win you over.^[10] Keep them in the “love bombing” stage by keeping some distance between you:

   • Make plans with friends and family and say you’re busy when they try to make plans with you.
   • Flirt but then suddenly lose interest in them.
   • Act confident without expressing many emotions.^[11]

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Put some distance between the two of you.

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1. Some people will reach out to you excessively when they feel ignored. They likely want to feel like they can get an emotional response out of you, and when they can’t, they may bombard you with messages to try and win you back. Try the “no contact” rule and wait a few days to return their calls, messages, or DMs. The less you respond to them, the more eager to see you they may feel.^[12]

   • The messages you receive from them may not be kind. Depending on this individual’s personality, they may try to butter you up with compliments and seductive comments, or they may belittle or patronize you in order to get your attention.^[13]

Go with the flow.

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1. Try to be flexible and work around their lifestyle. If someone showcases narcissistic behaviors, they likely are unbending and want to get their way. They may be attracted to people who are extremely flexible and don’t make a big deal out of things. When you’re making plans or working together, work around their schedule, rules, and needs to show them you’re an easy add to their life. When they see that you’re willing to go along with their plans, they’ll want to keep you around.^[14]

   • That being said, constant compromising might get old if you’re starting a relationship with this person. For the long-term health of your relationship, set boundaries with them once you’re together.^[15]

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Be understanding of their negative traits.

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1. Use positive reinforcement and show compassion. Someone with narcissistic traits is unlikely to pursue someone who calls out any toxic behavior directly. Instead, they may want to be with someone they feel views them through rose-colored glasses. Rather than focusing on their negative qualities, try to help them by focusing on and complimenting their good traits.^[16]

   • Avoid directly criticizing or blaming them, as it may make them defensive.^[17]
   • For example, instead of criticizing their tendency to lash out, make a neutral and factual statement like “You seem to be acting aggressively right now.”
   • Some people may also be drawn to partners who forgive easily. They’ll pursue anyone who won’t hold a grudge or challenge them.
   • Remember that a true narcissist—someone who's been diagnosed with NPD by a medical professional—may be struggling with the symptoms of a mental health condition. While this doesn’t mean you should let any bad behavior slide, it’s important to recognize the challenges that this person faces and may be trying to overcome.^[18]

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