6 min read · Oct 15, 2022
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It might be one of the most common idiomatic proverbs in the English language. We’ve all heard it said many times, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” The proverb means “you cannot simultaneously retain your cake and eat it”. Some find the common form of the proverb to be incorrect or illogical and instead prefer: “You can’t eat your cake and [then still] have it (too)”. Once the cake is eaten, it is gone. Period. The phrase is used to say that you cannot have two incompatible things. The proverb’s meaning is similar to the phrases “you can’t have it both ways” and “you can’t have the best of both worlds.”
There are many instances in life where we want to have our cake and eat it too. We want it both ways. Oftentimes, those who are unfaithful in marriages or relationships want their marriage and their affairs (or infidelity.) In this scenario, the affair partner is integrated into the betrayer’s lifestyle to some extent. There is no intent to leave the marriage or to stop the affair. They want the “perceived benefits” that come from having both their spouse or romantic relationship partner and their affair partner. The unfaithful spouse may even financially support the affair partner to maintain the cheating relationship.
Oftentimes, the affair partner believes that the unfaithful spouse is going to leave their spouse to be with them. Unfortunately, these relationships can go on for years. In certain cultures or families, covert approval — explicitly or implicitly — is given for this behavior. However, the fact that the affair partner is kept secret from the betrayed spouse is evidence that the unfaithful party knows their behavior is the ultimate betrayal to their spouse or partner and is unacceptable by most societal standards.
Most cheating spouses are committed to staying, but at the same time, they are also not committed to marital or relationship fidelity and commitment. They are often happily married while their betrayed spouses believe they have a great marriage and commitment to fidelity. The level of deception from this type of affair often leaves the betrayed spouse feeling there is no way they could ever again trust their spouse.
The unfaithful spouse shares one part of themselves with their spouse and then another aspect of their life with the affair partner. As a result, the cheating spouse’s daily activities and routine are divided into two areas: that which will be shared with the spouse and that which will be shared with the affair partner.
When the cheating spouse is caught and tells their spouse they love them and want the marriage, it is almost impossible for the betrayed spouse to believe them because they have already broken the sacred trust of marriage and betrayed their spouse, children, family, and self. They have violated marriage vows and standards. They have forsaken integrity for the thrill of sexual fantasy and infidelity.
The decision to be unfaithful and cheat is rarely, if ever, a rational choice. Infidelity is usually driven by circ*mstances and one’s emotions. Most people are surprised by their behavior at the start of an affair but they typically made hundreds of decisions along the way to their affair.
Infidelity is a coping mechanism, like gambling, drinking, or other similar vices. In happy relationships, spouses often cheat not because they are dissatisfied with their spouse, but because they are dissatisfied with themselves. Their unhappiness and cheating stem from who they are rather than their spouse or marriage.
For those cheaters who are happily married, it’s less likely that they have fallen out of love with their spouse. Rather they’re in love with the free, risk-taking, adventurous person they become when they’re having their affair. They are most likely to want it both ways — marriage and infidelity.
Fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner. For cheaters who are considering leaving their marriage for their affair partner, they must understand that issues of trust will most likely become a main focus and concern. Many people who leave their marriages for their affair partners have made life-changing sacrifices — both personally and regarding their families. Their sacrifice includes enduring public and personal shame, resentment, and uncertainty. Many of these sacrifices are unwittingly self-inflicted to their detriment. Issues of trust and integrity are a common theme with now-married former affair partners. (Lack of trust is the natural byproduct of relationships borne out of lies, deceit, betrayal, and infidelity.)
Affairs burn hot because they require secrecy, deceit, lies, and betrayal. They require a sacrifice of one’s integrity to continue to fuel the affair. Affairs survive more on what each partner withdraws from the relationship rather than what they deposit or invest.
The probability of an affair ending in marriage is extremely low — between three and five percent. Most of those marriages that begin as affairs end in divorce. Research suggests 75 percent of second marriages fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages.
It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity during their marriage. And these numbers are probably on the conservative side when you consider that close to half of all marriages end in divorce.
A happy marriage is no guarantee that a spouse will be faithful. Happily married people sometimes cheat due to a desire for novelty. Surprisingly, statistics show that 56% of men and 34% of women who commit infidelity rate their marriages as happy or very happy.
Another estimate from the Journal of Marriage and Divorce concludes that a mindblowing 70% of married Americans cheat at least once in their marriage. Still, 74 percent of men and 68 percent of women admit they’d cheat if it was guaranteed they’d never get caught.
After the revelation that a cheating spouse is cheating, the cheating spouse often chooses their marriage over the affair partner. Fewer than 25 percent of adulterers leave a marriage for an affair partner and most of those relationships are statistically unlikely to endure. This research suggests that between 1–3% achieve stability and happiness. Affairs generally burn hot and then burn out. No matter how hard they might try, cheating spouses “Can’t have their cake and eat it too.”
Infidelity, affairs, and adultery only offer short-term distractions from life. The long-term impact of infidelity, affairs, and adultery on self, spouse (partner), children, family, and friends lasts a lifetime and leaves a legacy of shame, pain, suffering, insecurity, and sorrow. This impact of broken marriages and lives ripples for generations through children, families, and societies with immeasurable chaos, confusion, damage, and anguish.
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About the CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
